Why Hadassah Ministry and not Esther Ministry or something else from the Word of God? As I was thinking this over, it became very clear that I need to start at the beginning. To explain how I believe God is guiding me. So! Here goes!
July 11, 2005 was a normal day for me. I was in my office, working a normal day. I had been to the doctor the Friday before and was told I had a sinus infection, given meds, and sent home. I was experiencing weird sensations as I was working. I felt like someone was taking an ice pick and stabbing my head. It was so painful that my head would flinch involuntarily. Being a normal person, I figured that I needed a different antibiotic and planned to stop by the doctor’s office and getting his opinion on the matter. As I was driving home, I was on the phone with my husband telling him of my plan. As I was talking to him, I was getting worried because I knew he was my husband but I couldn’t remember his name. This upset me greatly. Then, right outside of my daughters’ school, I started to feel extremely weird and was holding onto the steering wheel for dear life. As I turned into the school, I felt and heard an explosion in my head in the same place where I felt like I had been stabbed while in my office. I was able to dial 911, ran into the school, threw my phone at the principal, asked her to tell them where I was, and I collapsed. I felt like I had a million hot needles stabbing from the inside out. This sensation was in my head and neck. I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put through a symphony of tests. All of which came back…..negative! They sent me home, telling me I had a reaction to the antibiotic I was taking. I’d had that particular antibiotic many times before with no problems. By Wednesday of that week I was back in the hospital, but by this time, the needles were from my head down to my stomach and arms. Again, I was sent home. By Friday, the heat was everywhere in my body from top to bottom. I went to my family doctor and I told him I wasn’t leaving until he told me what was wrong with me. I was admitted as an in patient and many more tests were done. All came back normal with the exception of a positive ANA which indicates inflammation. In 5 days I had lost 11 pounds….NOT the way I wanted to lose weight….I had a fever with red circle splotches on my face and neck, and was as weak as a newborn babe. The explosion happened 3 more times and I spent 6-8 months thinking I might not live through the day. As things started to settle into a new normal, my heart decided to go out of whack. I have about 1700 extra beats a day. The extra beats I can handle, it’s the stopping that’s scary! So here we are, 7 years later. Every day since July 11, 2005, I have woken in pain. Each day’s pain has a different intensity level and different challenges to overcome.
SO!!!! Why all that background?? To show what I am dealing with, the comments people have made to me regarding my illness, and what I feel God has asked of me.
There is today, a movement that has taken hold of this world. The movement that says God doesn’t want you to hurt, God doesn’t want you to be poor, God doesn’t want you to experience hardship. Does it grieve God that we struggle? Yes, I believe so. Does His Word say our lives will be without hardship, without pain, without trials? No. We live in a world that wasn’t God’s design. What He made was perfect but sin has turned His perfection into a fractured world. The Bible is full of examples of people who suffered, who struggled. The biggest example? Jesus! The very Savior in whom we believers trust.
Why do we struggle? I believe, after dealing with this mystery illness for seven years, that God is working in me. That He is pulling out of me what doesn’t honor Him and instilling in me the qualities He desires I have.
I’ve had perfect strangers who’ve, after getting to know me, have said I just need to “claim my healing”, that God doesn’t want me to be sick, that I must have sin in my life that I hadn’t confessed, and God was using my illness to punish me. Do you know how that made me feel? Like I was less. Less of a woman, less of a wife, less of a mother, and mostly, less of a servant to God. Those comments made me feel inadequate. When I already was dealing with enormous guilt regarding my illness and how it was affecting my family. Then to tell me that? It made an already hurting woman hurt worse.
Last year I was asked to be the head speaker at my church’s women’s retreat. To share what I felt God had been showing me. I actually had, for about 5 years prior, felt that God was calling me to be a speaker for women’s events. To share Him. The weekend went beautifully. I spoke at 3 different sessions and it was wonderful to share what God was doing in my life. As I was driving home I was just praising God for the weekend and the blessings I had received from the beautiful women who were present. In the middle of praising Him I felt a deep conviction to speak out against the movement that was taking the world by storm. To speak out and tell women who are struggling that it’s ok! That we aren’t less! God has a purpose for us and desires to use us as He sees fit! It is in our weaknesses that God can use us to minister to others.
The last few weeks I’ve been praying about starting a ministry and moving forward on the path I believe the Lord has made for me. It was actually my husband who suggested the name for the ministry. I figure it’s only fair since I had named his ministry, God’s Proof, about 8 years ago. He chose the name from the book of Esther, my absolute favorite book in the Bible. I really liked the idea of using Hadassah rather than Esther. Before Hadassah was Esther, before she had the “polish”, the riches, and the title of Queen, Hadassah had two qualities that I think we, as women should strive for. Hadassah was faithful and obedient.
That’s the type of woman I want to be in my life. To be faithful and obedient in every area of my life. I feel God is asking me to spread these two qualities to as many women as He puts in my path.
So my lovely ladies…..let me encourage you to be faithful to the Lord, to His Son Jesus, to your husbands, your children, your family, your friends, your work, and in every area of your life. Be obedient to the Lord. Be obedient by reading His Word, fellowshipping with other believers, praying, and so on. If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, please don’t wait. None of us are promised a tomorrow. God Bless You my Friends.