Warning, this is one of those raw, I’m hurting, honest to the bones posts… Reader beware………
Tonight Jeff and I were talking about me not having been in church lately. There are many reasons…..but, true to form, Jeff got to the root of all of it….well….
When they switched my meds the pain was more noticeable and I became more afraid to be in public…..that’s 1…..
Then…..I remembered winter of 2010 and the fact that I barely managed to make it to the store and work a 3 hour shift and then come back home….I rarely left the bed that winter. I’m afraid. It seems like it’s happening again and what if this time I don’t come out of it? What if the disabling pain is permanent this time? That’s 2……
Then……I thought about all the amazing, well meaning people who love me and want me to feel better. I know how they worry and I see the worry, the concern, the pity in their eyes and I wish I had good news for them. That God had granted me a miracle and that I’m better but, sadly, I’m still in the same boat I was in yesterday. That’s 3……
Then…..we, as a family, received some bad news and we’re all struggling to deal with it. We’re all worried and we don’t know how to make it better. That’s 4….
Then…..and this is tough, as a woman of God, to admit…..I’m frustrated with where my relationship is with Him right now. I’ve always said and I’ve always meant it….”Lord, keep me right where I am if it means I’ll always be in the relationship with You that You want with me.” But this latest news seems too much. It made me cry out to Him….Lord! Haven’t we already had enough??? My illness, Jeff’s panic attacks, Parkinson’s and now this??? Did we HAVE to have this?? Why???? Can’t You, please………
PLEASE……take something off our shoulders? This burden is heavy. It’s heavy. I haven’t been able to pray…. Scratch that…..I’m praying…..I just don’t feel connected to Him when I’m praying.
Tonight, as I cried out to Him, I heard Him quietly say, “My grace is sufficient.”
Ok Lord……Your grace is sufficient but right now, I need You to take this load and bear it because I can’t. You see, I’m tired. I’m tired of not being able to turn over in bed without crying. I’m tired of watching people I love suffer. I’m tired of people looking at me with such concern(not that I don’t appreciate how much I’m loved). I’m tired of my kids wondering what kind of mother they’ll have that day….one who feels up to doing something fun or one who needs to lay in bed. I’m tired of disappointing my husband because I’m in too much pain to cook, or to clean, or to ………………………….(insert household chore here). I’m tired of he and the girls going to church without me. I’m tired!!!!
So Father, how about a break? Please? I know, when this began 8 years ago, what I said. I meant it then and I still do now. I’m Yours. Do with me as You see fit.
I know Your promises and I know You love me and that I’ve just hit a rough
patch…..but it’s been one heck of a rough patch…….. How about some smooth waters??
In 2 Corinthians You told Paul
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Well, there ya go…..I have a TON of weaknesses…… Do Your perfect work Lord Jesus and, I pray that I am a willing vessel. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Tomorrow is a new day. A new day, a fresh slate…….