Warning, this is one of those raw, I’m hurting, honest to the bones posts… Reader beware………
Tonight Jeff and I were talking about me not having been in church lately. There are many reasons…..but, true to form, Jeff got to the root of all of it….well….

Roots…….

When they switched my meds the pain was more noticeable and I became more afraid to be in public…..that’s 1…..

Then…..I remembered winter of 2010 and the fact that I barely managed to make it to the store and work a 3 hour shift and then come back home….I rarely left the bed that winter. I’m afraid. It seems like it’s happening again and what if this time I don’t come out of it? What if the disabling pain is permanent this time? That’s 2……

Then……I thought about all the amazing, well meaning people who love me and want me to feel better. I know how they worry and I see the worry, the concern, the pity in their eyes and I wish I had good news for them. That God had granted me a miracle and that I’m better but, sadly, I’m still in the same boat I was in yesterday. That’s 3……

Then…..we, as a family, received some bad news and we’re all struggling to deal with it. We’re all worried and we don’t know how to make it better. That’s 4….

Then…..and this is tough, as a woman of God, to admit…..I’m frustrated with where my relationship is with Him right now. I’ve always said and I’ve always meant it….”Lord, keep me right where I am if it means I’ll always be in the relationship with You that You want with me.” But this latest news seems too much. It made me cry out to Him….Lord! Haven’t we already had enough??? My illness, Jeff’s panic attacks, Parkinson’s and now this??? Did we HAVE to have this?? Why???? Can’t You, please………
PLEASE……take something off our shoulders? This burden is heavy. It’s heavy. I haven’t been able to pray…. Scratch that…..I’m praying…..I just don’t feel connected to Him when I’m praying.
That’s 5……

Tonight, as I cried out to Him, I heard Him quietly say, “My grace is sufficient.”
Ok Lord……Your grace is sufficient but right now, I need You to take this load and bear it because I can’t. You see, I’m tired. I’m tired of not being able to turn over in bed without crying. I’m tired of watching people I love suffer. I’m tired of people looking at me with such concern(not that I don’t appreciate how much I’m loved). I’m tired of my kids wondering what kind of mother they’ll have that day….one who feels up to doing something fun or one who needs to lay in bed. I’m tired of disappointing my husband because I’m in too much pain to cook, or to clean, or to ………………………….(insert household chore here). I’m tired of he and the girls going to church without me. I’m tired!!!!

So Father, how about a break? Please? I know, when this began 8 years ago, what I said. I meant it then and I still do now. I’m Yours. Do with me as You see fit.

I know Your promises and I know You love me and that I’ve just hit a rough
patch…..but it’s been one heck of a rough patch…….. How about some smooth waters??

In 2 Corinthians You told Paul
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

Well, there ya go…..I have a TON of weaknesses…… Do Your perfect work Lord Jesus and, I pray that I am a willing vessel. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Tomorrow is a new day. A new day, a fresh slate…….

At the end of November I had a number of tests to look for, yet again, an answer to this illness. The first week of December I received a call that I had longed for for almost 8 years. Although I never considered how I would react if I was finally given an answer, I just needed to know, to finally have an answer. I just never expected the answer that was coming. The nurse from my neurologist’s office told me my EEG was severely abnormal and I needed to be put on anti seizure meds immediately. What??? Seizures!??! She was talking so fast my brain couldn’t comprehend what she was telling me. I stammered…but….but….I don’t have seizures!!! Having been put on so many meds, and not understanding her, I refused the meds until I could meet with the neurologist in person and have everything thoroughly explained. Another week went by before I could see her. My husband, Jeff, took the day off to go in with me. As we sat in the waiting room, we had a discussion about his time off of work until the end of the year. He told me he was taking the upcoming Friday off but I couldn’t remember why. He just looked at me with an expression that seemed to say, “Really?!” Apparently we’d had a discussion about having family pictures taken by a friend that day and I don’t remember much of that discussion. Pretty soon we were going to have an explanation for that. As we waited in the exam room for her to come in, I was a nervous wreck. So scared of what she was going to say. She began explaining to us what my severely abnormal EEG meant, told me she was shocked, given my symptoms, no one had ordered one before. Then she said when I had my first exam and was telling her my symptoms, she immediately thought it was epilepsy. Thankfully she didn’t share that with me that day. As she explained what the seizures would look like, not necessarily grand mal, but more like a “going away”. That I look present, I may even nod or say uh-huh, but that I’m not really there. That I may have “time warps” when I lose time but can’t understand why. That after these I would have confusion and memory loss. As she explaining this, I’m thinking….screaming in my head…”BUT I’M NOT HAVING THAT!!!” Then I hear my husband say that he and my girls had noticed these behaviors in me (confusion and memory loss…yep!). Seeming to be out of it, not present. He told the neurologist he thought I was just ignoring him. That made me laugh….later. That made me so very…I’m not sure how to explain it. Sad, distraught, scared, and even guilty.
So we talked about medications and she explained, because of the severely abnormal EEG, I need to be on a higher than normal dose. It’s taken 7 weeks to get me to a full dose and then I have another two weeks before I see her again.

Jeff and I walked out, got in the car, and he started to drive away. I made him pull over because I knew I was going to have a “little” breakdown. Little….Hah! He reassured me it was going to be ok, that we would deal with this just like we had dealt with things the last 7.5 years. TOGETHER. With a lot of love, support, laughter, and understanding.

Going home to my girls was scary for me. How did we tell them without frightening them? Without them feeling like the bottom had dropped out of their world? Jeff did most the talking. Explaining enough that they felt calm but not too in depth. I remember sitting there, not crying because I’d gotten that out of my system before coming home so I wouldn’t frighten the girls, nodding and agreeing with Jeff. I didn’t say much because I was afraid I’d not say the right words. That I would scare them.

Then we decided to go file for disability because we knew this diagnosis was going to change everything. Everything.

So why am I just now writing this??? I just this evening came to a head on, full impact of acknowledging what is wrong with me. I’m currently reading a fiction book and the main character has a brain injury and is having seizures. For some odd reason, seeing that word…SEIZURES….Seeing it in stark black and white….I started crying.
Then I realized….I’ve avoided saying a specific statement….I’ve said “They say I have epilepsy.” Notice that….THEY?? Reading that word seizure, it slammed into me….what I haven’t yet said, what I’m scared to admit, “I…..I have epilepsy.” “I’m an epileptic.” I’M AN EPILEPTIC.” So there! I’ve said it, I’ve admitted it to myself……after 7 weeks and a word in a book later.

Why didn’t I say those words before now?

I think by saying “they” I was fooling myself. Thinking, I don’t REALLY have that. After seriously thinking about the last 7+ years, I realized I have been having seizures. One I know about specifically because it frightened me so deeply. The others, Jeff and our girls have witnessed and I trust them. I can not distance myself from this truth any longer.

So what now? Where do I go from here?

Well….I move forward just like I have for the past 7+ years. I move forward with God leading me, holding me, reminding me that I’m His. I’ve had a few eye opening, random thoughts that pop up at the oddest times … Like I can NEVER allow my life insurance payments to lapse. See? Random!

What I cling to is this….Epilepsy isn’t who I am. It’s a part of me, it helps me explain to people why I can NOT remember their names even after having met them 5 times…(memory loss….). This is a small part of what makes up Amanda. I was a swimmer….but that isn’t who I am….it’s a part of me. I was a scholarship student to Germany….but that isn’t who I am….it’s a part of me. I have epilepsy….but that isn’t who I am.
So, who am I? I am a child of the King. I am His and He is mine. He holds me and makes me more like His Son Jesus every day. Who am I? I’m Amanda, a gal who may have many small things that are a part of me but who has ONE thing that drives me and makes me who I am. I am His child. Desiring Him above ALL else, begging Him to NEVER stop working on me, to make me more like Him and less like me.

THAT’S who I am!!!

Thanks for reading this. It was gut wrenching to write but at the same time, healing and purging to my spirit. Much love in Christ to all of you. Keep striving to stay in God’s path for you.

I’m still here and thinking about the ministry God has laid on my heart.  Unfortunately, our home has been ground zero for illness for about a month!  Both girls, then back to my younger daughter then to my husband and I.  Just when I thought it had left the building, I was the recipient of a stomach bug.

To say I haven’t felt up to doing much has been an understatement!  Give me a few days and I’ll be back!  God has it all in His hands!

Hmmmmm….faithful and OBEDIENT????  I can get behind faithful but obedient?  Yes, I can get behind that word too!  It can be hard though right?  I know women who have removed the word OBEY from their wedding vows because they say they won’t OBEY their husbands!  Why?  Why is it so difficult for people, women in particular, to be comfortable with this word?

Thinking along those lines….let’s look at why it may be difficult to have the word obey, to be known as that  word,  in our vocabulary.

Because this ministry is about God first, let’s delve into Scripture and see what His Word tells us about that word.

I have this handy-dandy program on my computer to help us.  It’s called

E-Sword and you can get a free….yes FREE copy of it here:

http://www.e-sword.net

Let’s start on the yellow brick road to learning about that word.  

Using the E-Sword tool, I typed in that word  and came up with some surprising stuff.  That word, or a variation of it, is used 1,149 times in the KJV of the Bible.  The first time it is used is in Genesis.

Gen. 22:18  And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

The last time it is used is in I Peter.

1Peter 4:17  For the time is come that judgment must begin at the house of God: and if it first begin at us, what shall the end be of them that obey not the gospel of God?  

The Hebrew word is shama.  What I found cool was the definition….. to hear intelligently.  That isn’t so bad is it?   To hear intelligently…..I can get on board being called intelligent, what about you?

I think we can go back to calling that word by its proper name now.  Obey doesn’t seem such a frightening word now does it?  Now that we’re beginning to put it in its proper context.

When we as women, obey our husbands, it simply means to listen intelligently. If our husband asks something of us that is wrong, that goes against God’s Will, it is okay to refuse.  That’s called hearing intelligently.

Ladies, don’t be afraid of the word obey.  Know that in learning to obey, to listen intelligently, there is a great freedom and peace.  Just as there is peace and freedom in obeying our Heavenly Father.

Dear Friends,

I have, since end of December 2011, been posting on Facebook thoughts I’ve had as I’ve been reading the Bible nightly.  I felt God asking me to make a “Spiritual Bucket List” of things He would like me to do for the year 2012.  The top of the list was the nightly sharing of God’s Word to my Facebook friends.  A way to witness to believers and non-believers alike.  I’ll post each day as a separate post so it is easier to read.

As you read them, take time to really think about it, go to your Bible and read the passages that the posts are about.  Ask God to give you insight as you read His Word.  The things He will show you may not be what He’s speaking to me.  It’s a wonderful thing….God giving to each of His children what they need when they need it.  I love His Word and I pray that’s what you see when you read these posts.  That you see Him and not me.  He’s the one they’re all about!

May God Bless You My Friends.

Why Hadassah Ministry and not Esther Ministry or something else from the Word of God?  As I was thinking this over, it became very clear that I need to start at the beginning.  To explain how I believe God is guiding me.  So!  Here goes!

July 11, 2005 was a normal day for me.  I was in my office, working a normal day. I had been to the doctor the Friday before and was told I had a sinus infection, given meds, and sent home.  I was experiencing weird sensations as I was working.  I felt like someone was taking an ice pick and stabbing my head.  It was so painful that my head would flinch involuntarily.  Being a normal person, I figured that I needed a different antibiotic and planned to stop by the doctor’s office and getting his opinion on the matter.  As I was driving home, I was on the phone with my husband telling him of my plan.  As I was talking to him, I was getting worried because I knew he was my husband but I couldn’t remember his name.  This upset me greatly.  Then, right outside of my daughters’ school, I started to feel extremely weird and was holding onto the steering wheel for dear life.  As I turned into the school, I felt and heard an explosion in my head in the same place where I felt like I had been stabbed while in my office.  I was able to dial 911, ran into the school, threw my phone at the principal, asked her to tell them where I was, and I collapsed.  I felt like I had a million hot needles stabbing from the inside out.  This sensation was in my head and neck.  I was taken by ambulance to the hospital and put through a symphony of tests.  All of which came back…..negative!  They sent me home, telling me I had a reaction to the antibiotic I was taking.  I’d had that particular antibiotic many times before with no problems.  By Wednesday of that week I was back in the hospital, but by this time, the needles were from my head down to my stomach and arms.  Again, I was sent home.  By Friday, the heat was everywhere in my body from top to bottom.  I went to my family doctor and I told him I wasn’t leaving until he told me what was wrong with me.  I was admitted as an in patient and many more tests were done.  All came back normal with the exception of a positive ANA which indicates inflammation.  In 5 days I had lost 11 pounds….NOT the way I wanted to lose weight….I had a fever with red circle splotches on my face and neck, and was as weak as a newborn babe.  The explosion happened 3 more times and I spent 6-8 months thinking I might not live through the day.  As things started to settle into a new normal, my heart decided to go out of whack.  I have about 1700 extra beats a day.  The extra beats I can handle, it’s the stopping that’s scary!  So here we are, 7 years later.  Every day since July 11, 2005, I have woken in pain.  Each day’s pain has a different intensity level and different challenges to overcome.

SO!!!!  Why all that background??  To show what I am dealing with, the comments people have made to me regarding my illness, and what I feel God has asked of me.

There is today, a movement that has taken hold of this world.  The movement that says God doesn’t want you to hurt, God doesn’t want you to be poor, God doesn’t want you to experience hardship.   Does it grieve God that we struggle?  Yes, I believe so.  Does His Word say our lives will be without hardship, without pain, without trials?  No.  We live in a world that wasn’t God’s design.  What He made was perfect but sin has turned His perfection into a fractured world.  The Bible is full of examples of people who suffered, who struggled.  The biggest example?  Jesus!  The very Savior in whom we believers trust.

Why do we struggle?  I believe, after dealing with this mystery illness for seven years, that God is working in me.  That He is pulling out of me what doesn’t honor Him and instilling in me the qualities He desires I have.

I’ve had perfect strangers who’ve, after getting to know me, have said I just need to “claim my healing”, that God doesn’t want me to be sick, that I must have  sin in my life that I hadn’t confessed, and God was using my illness to punish me.  Do you know how that made me feel?  Like I was less.  Less of a woman, less of a wife, less of a mother, and mostly, less of a servant to God.  Those comments made me feel inadequate.  When I already was dealing with enormous guilt regarding my illness and how it was affecting my family.  Then to tell me that?  It made an already hurting woman hurt worse.

Last year I was asked to be the head speaker at my church’s women’s retreat.  To share what I felt God had been showing me.  I actually had, for about 5 years prior, felt that God was calling me to be a speaker for women’s events.  To share Him.  The weekend went beautifully.  I spoke at 3 different sessions and it was wonderful to share what God was doing in my life.  As I was driving home I was just praising God for the weekend and the blessings I had received from the beautiful women who were present.  In the middle of praising Him I felt a deep conviction to speak out against the movement that was taking the world by storm.  To speak out and tell women who are struggling that it’s ok!  That we aren’t less!  God has a purpose for us and desires to use us as He sees fit!  It is in our weaknesses that God can use us to minister to others.

The last few weeks I’ve been praying about starting a ministry and moving forward on the path I believe the Lord has made for me.  It was actually my husband who suggested the name for the ministry.  I figure it’s only fair since I had named his ministry, God’s Proof, about 8 years ago.  He chose the name from the book of Esther, my absolute favorite book in the Bible.  I really liked the idea of using Hadassah rather than Esther.  Before Hadassah was Esther, before she had the “polish”, the riches, and the title of Queen, Hadassah had two qualities that I think we, as women should strive for.  Hadassah was faithful and obedient.

That’s the type of woman I want to be in my life.  To be faithful and obedient in every area of my life.  I feel God is asking me to spread these two qualities to as many women as He puts in my path.

So my lovely ladies…..let me encourage you to be faithful to the Lord, to His Son Jesus, to your husbands, your children, your family, your friends, your work, and in every area of your life.  Be obedient to the Lord.  Be obedient by reading His Word, fellowshipping with other believers, praying, and so on.  If you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, please don’t wait.  None of us are promised a tomorrow.  God Bless You my Friends.

Hi there!  Welcome to Hadassah Ministry.  My name is Amanda Sievertson and this is my ministry, my passion.  The goal for this ministry is to first and always to glorify God.  My desire is that God will use this ministry to reach women.  To show women how beautiful we are in God’s sight.

Let me give you a little more information about my family.

My greatest blessing from God……aka my family.

That handsome man sitting next to me is my husband of nearly 17 years, Jeff.  The beautiful girls are our daughters, Sydney and Whitney.  We are a homeschooling family.  We love the freedom homeschooling gives and the deeper bonds we’ve developed as a family unit.

That’s it for now.  My prayer is, as this ministry is developed, that you’ll get to know me and I’ll get to know you.  Most importantly though, my prayer is that women will come to Jesus.  That’s what it’s all about!  God bless you my friends.